When we bought our house we never noticed the yard.  I mean we noticed that the house had a yard- but I can’t recall realizing just how LARGE the yard was. I had this idea that I would like gardening.  I sort of pictured myself in a floppy hat with cute little gardening gloves and a wicker basket full of the blooms I had grown myself. 

Turns out I hate gardening.  Who knew there was so much dirt and bugs involved in gardening. And for the record- this is not a hobby- it’s a lot of work.  You can pull weeds all weekend and the place will look good for a day and by the next morning a new crop of hearty weeds will have grown up.  Also because we live on the west coast in what is technically a rain forest- grass grows while you watch it.  If you lie quietly at night you can actually hear it getting longer. 

Thus- when I saw THIS I knew I had to have one.  It’s a mower-cycle.  A hybrid of a bicycle and a mower. Very clever no? 

File this under: Well who the heck knew this could happen? 

It was the title of this story that pulled me. “Maine Woman Shocked To Find 8-Foot Snake in Washer.” Admit it- the power of a good title is something to behold.  So this woman is doing a load of laundry- goes to empty it into the dryer and discovers an 8 foot python in there mixed up with her clothes.

Yes, you read that right.  An 8 foot snake in her washer.  I have a washer- what is to keep this from happening to me?  I wanted to read that someone in her house put the snake in the washer for safe keeping. This would make me feel better as no one in my house has a snake so the chances of one ending up in the washer would be slim.  Alas no. Here is the explanation: But how the snake ended up in the washing machine remains a mystery. Burton guessed it was somebody’s pet and that the owner ended up tossing it out into the wild when it got too big. It then made its way through the water pipes and into the washing machine, probably after the load was done, he said. In the meantime, Ranger said she’s a little paranoid.

A little paranoid? Heck- it didn’t even happen to me and I’m very paranoid. Did anyone even know this was possible?  Snakes can just slither through water pipes and end up in our washer?  Shouldn’t our washers come with some kind of snack trap? Screw the lint trap- I’m more worried about snakes in there.  Someone should get the Maytag washer repairman on this issue.

Who else is giving up laundry?

In other news: Things I discovered over the weekend- I am too old to be doing Jello shots. Ah- in my misspent youth my Jello tolerance was something to behold.  Not so much now.  However, as I recall it did lead me into a very interesting discussion with another party goer on evolution. He’s determined that there must be something behind evolution- but perhaps not for the reasons you might imagine ”No way it is by random chance that spiders shoot silk out of their butt into complicated geometric patterns. Something wanted that to happen.”  Then we both had a Jello shot and pondered the mysteries of the universe.

I am over at The Debs today talking about tales from the publishing trenches.  Swing over and say hello!

Also if you are in search of a bargain (and who doesn’t love a bargain) Amazon is selling bargain copies of Unpredictable.  They have some black marks on them (hence the discount) but they are $4.99.  Five bucks people.  FIVE. Skip the mocha, double whip, extra foam, no fat milk latte and pick this up. You can get a copy of it HERE.   As long as you are there you can also pre-order my next book What Would Emma Do? at the same time.  I just finished checking the galley proofs and I can promise you it’s funny.  Who doesn’t need a little funny in their lives? 

Bras are a strange thing. If you have small to average sized boobs there are a lot of great bras out there. Cute ones, sporty ones, sexy ones.  However- if you have big hooters then your stuck wearing bras that look like they were created in the former Soviet Union out of industrial fabric and they buckle in the back. 

I have spent a lot of time in search of good bras.  Good being defined as cute, comfortable and not costing as much as a small used car. However, after hearing this story I realize that I need to add another criteria to the list.  I would like my bras to be free of any form of vermin. 

In this story, a teenager found a bat in her bra. I feel I should point out that she was wearing it at the time. Apparently she used to keep her cell phone in her bra (what no pockets? No purse?) so when she felt movement in her bra she assumed it was the phone on vibrate mode. She reached in and to the shock of her co-workers pulled out a bat.  I think it is safe to say she will not be dating anyone at work any time soon.  I think once you pull a bat out of your underthings your social value goes down. This is the kind of thing that I would think would have permenantly scarred my teen years. 

My favorite quote in the article “I will certainly be checking my bras every morning from now on.” I would think so. Heck, I’m going to be checking my bras. The last thing I need is a case of vampire hooters. 

Are you still looking for a good summer read?  Do you like your books to come with some free swag? I’ve mentioned it before- but wanted to remind you about  fellow deb, Lisa Daily’s book  Fifteen Minutes of Shame.  She’s got an extra special deal going for today only.

Fifteen Minutes of Shame is a snort-margaritas-out-your-nose hilarious beach read about what happens when America’s favorite TV love guru finds out her husband is cheating – live, on national television.  In an instant, Darby Vaughn’s fifteen minutes of fame turns to fifteen minutes of shame. Not only is the most humiliating moment of her life splashed across every supermarket tabloid and celebrity gossip show, but fans are turning on her, and her love life is fodder for late-night comedians.  If Darby breaks her own zero-tolerance policy for cheaters and takes her philandering husband back, her career will be over.  But if she sticks to her own rules, she’ll lose the only man she’s ever loved.

For today only, you can get an online goodie bag worth $500 when you purchase Fifteen Minutes of Shame, one of the funnier beach books of the summer. It’s less than $10 at www.Amazon.com

For details and a complete listing of all the goodie bag items, which includes a free lip-plumping serum, free mineral makeup, free cellulite firming cream, a free T-Tapp exercise video download (lose 2 sizes in 30 days!), sneak peek chapters of not-yet-released books and lots of other goodies, check out www.lisadaily.com/swagbag To get the free $500 goody bag, purchase Fifteen Minutes of Shame before 12 midnight PST on Monday, July 14 at Amazon.com (where it’s currently bargain-priced under $10) and email your receipt to swagbag@lisadaily.com

The reviews so far:

“A smart, hilariously funny gem of a book that will delight fans of Jennifer Weiner and Sophie Kinsella.  It’s no surprise that one of Hollywood’s hottest screenwriters has snatched up rights to turn it into a movie.”
–Lisa McLeod, Buffalo News

“I’m not a gusher, unless I truly love something. But today I have to gush.”
–Kristi Gustafson, Albany Times-Union

“I was instantly hooked… had me laughing and cheering.”
–Clare Naylor, bestselling author of The First Assistant

“I laughed, I cried, I cringed, I cheered! Fifteen Minutes is a dream of a read.”
–Dennie Hughes, USA WEEKEND columnist and author of Dateworthy

I went to Catholic school growing up.  One of the great things about being Catholic is there is a patron saint for anything. If you lose something, St. Anthony is your guy. Each profession has a patron saint. For example St. Amand is in charge of bar keepers.  There are four saints listed for writers. I think God figures we need all the help we can get so he put a small division onto our profession.

Having patron saints just makes sense, you can direct your prayers to a specialist versus to God, who let’s be honest, has a lot on his plate what with war and pestilence and can’t always spare the time to help you sort out what you did with your car keys. I’m shocked more religions haven’t realized the wisdom of this plan. Think of it as God doing a bit of delegation. I found this site (thanks to the site Neatorama for pointing me in the right direction) that listed various saints and came across this guy.

Expeditus, patron saint against procrastination

AKA Saint Elpidius, Expeditus was beheaded in the early 300s. He decided to become a Christian and the devil showed up in the form of a crow, telling him that he could wait until tomorrow to convert. Expeditus stamped the crow under his feet and insisted that he would become a Christian today. 

Starting tomorrow I’m totally going to start praying to this guy.  

Am I the only one who finds ants to be kind of creepy?  I think it is something about how segmented their bodies are and of course how they scurry.  I don’t like how it sometimes looks like they’re planning something.  All that moving in a coordinated line makes me worried.  What are they up to? What would happen if I was sleeping on the sofa and they crawled into my nose?  Would I be driven insane? I think it’s possible. 

Although I don’t like them, I don’t freak out when I come across an ant. I do however have a severe case of spider willies. Although Canada is not chock full of spiders that can kill you with a single bite, I have a suspicion that some of the spiders that hang out in my bathroom might be able to do this. I want to know how they get so large.  We get bathroom spiders that are the size of the palm of your hand.  What are they eating in the bathroom that makes them so freakishly large?  I don’t have a big fly population in my house so that makes me worried that the spiders are feasting on moisturizing shampoo and Lysol cleaner.  The toxic stew making them both large and mean.  I have no shame in waking my husband out of a sound sleep to go kill a spider that is hiding (dare I say, lurking) in the tub.  If I wait until morning it won’t be there- which means it is somewhere else. Waiting. How could I ever go back to sleep thinking about that? 

Today I came across this article  The Five Most Horrifying Bugs In the World.  I’ll warn you right now- this is going to impact your ability to sleep well at night.  Two of the five are types of ants.  I’m just pointing that out. 

Bug phobic? 

I loved the original Star Wars movies and not just because I had a thing for Han Solo. I’m not even going to talk about the travesty that we know as the new Star Wars movies.  Jar Jar Binks? Really? Zillions of dollars to make a movie and no one could tell just how annoying he was? Ah- but the originals- those were some fun movies.  I didn’t know it could get better- until devoted husband recently stumbled across this video.  It’s a “So you think you can dance” for Star Wars. Be sure to stay until the bitter end- the last number is my favorite. 

I am over at The Debs today blogging about 4th of July traditions.  Swing over and say hello. 

There was something about tthis story that just amused me. A 12 year old girl in Indiana was running her lemonade stand, no doubt dreaming of corporate glory, when a man came up and demanded all her money. After handing over the money the girl decided she was mad as hell and not going to take it anymore and ran after the thief.  She chased him all the way to his home and then called police.  There was  a standoff as the thief refused to leave for a period of time (no doubt concerned a pack of 12 year old girls would attack).  The thief is now being charged with felony robbery.  They don’t say what the girl is doing, but I bet she’s considering getting some tights and a Lycra suit and becoming a superhero.

I suspect prison is going to be hard for this particular thief.  Being taken down by a 12 year old can’t be good for your reputation.  The lesson here is clearly don’t assume because someone is small they will be a push over.  I know a few 12 year old girls and let me tell you they aren’t the type to sit back and wait for a boy to rescue them.  They’re scrappy. 

In other news…

With July 4th right around the corner, author/friend Barrie Summy is asking everyone to post a recipe to help celebrate.  Can I point out that her name rhymes with yummy?  That fact makes me happy every time I think about it.   So with no further ado- I give you  a recipe that I don’t know where it came from or the exact amounts.  Consider it a flexible recipe.

Peach Salad

Take a bowl and fill with lettuce. (any type of lettuce will work- choose the leafy greens that make you happy)

Peel and dice up 1-2 peaches.  I like two peaches myself but feel free to go down to one.

Peel and slice around 1/4 of a cucumber.  Or if you love cucumber throw some more on, or save the slices to put over your eyes for a face mask. 

Crumble some feta cheese on top.  

Toss in some prosciutto ham  (unless you are a vegetarian in which case you most likely don’t want pig bits on your salad.  However, if you are a meat eater the salty ham is a nice touch)

Toss salad with balsamic vinegar and olive oil. 

Serve. 

What’s your favorite food for hot summer nights?